photo by Stone Crandall
I think i’ve learned more from you than any year prior. More about who I am, who I am not, and who I want to be. In a lot of ways, it’s been a tough year for me. I’ve struggled to find my balance, I lost my second baby in April, Sam left a secure job and a consistent paycheck to chase his dream of owning his own business (which I whole heartedly supported), for the first time I’ve battled real debilitating anxiety, had a few health scares, and overall, have been left feeling like nothing I do is quite right. Don’t get me wrong…there has been a whole lot of good mixed in there too. But if I am completely honest….there has never been more that I want to change. As I look back, we had many victories and many challenges…it’s been our year of high highs and and low lows…..and in regards to the state of my heart, this year has felt heavy. I’m ready to leave it behind and move on.
Over the last few days, I’ve thought a lot about the ways in which I want to live differently this year and the word that kept coming back to me was BREATHE. Not necessarily in the physical act of breathing, though that plays a role as well….but more as a lifestyle. More than anything, allowing myself to slow down and live in the present instead of always looking ahead to what is next. I need to trust in God’s plan for me and not fall into the rabbit hole of ‘what if’. Not everything is in my control, and I want to learn to let go (breathe), and be ok with the unknown. I want to intentionally pursue the things that are life giving to me. Getting outdoors, discovering ways to better love my husband, going on more adventures with my daughter, spending more time by the ocean, more time with God, serving, exercising and strengthening my body…..in all ways, learning the breathe. I don’t want my work and my inbox to rule my life (as it so often feels) and I certainly don’t want social media or technology to get in the way of real conversations and interactions.
One thing I have always, always, struggled with is taking care of myself and focusing on my own needs….physically and emotionally. It feels strange to even write that because in some ways it feels selfish. But so far, not giving myself what I need hasn’t done anyone a favor. I hope that this year I can flip it around. It’s always easier said that done, and I am still trying to figure out a realistic plan for accomplishing some of these goals…..but I am determined to make a change.
Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste the food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough. – Ernest Hemingway
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