The 52 Project – a portrait series of my daughter, once a week in 2013
Let’s talk about these little leggings for a minute. SO.IN.LOVE. Les Petits Darlings has some adorable pants for your littles. I especially love this forest animal print in charcoal. And if I had a little man (I really hope I have a little man one day!) you can bet he’d be wearing these. Seriously, too cute.
Everyday I’m reminded more and more of what a mini me I’ve created. This photo shoot for example. I told Rylee we were going to go outside to explore and take a few pictures. She insisted on bringing her own camera along to “take pictures of the snails”. She is obsessed with snails. I….am not :) But it makes me laugh (and secretly proud) that she wants to copy everything I do….keeping me in check I guess! This girl….she’s got my heart.
Yesterday we went on a tour of a day school that we are considering enrolling her in for two days a week. All with the hope of bringing a little more “balance” to my life. Oh balance, you are such a myth. It was hard for me to even get to the place where I was open to the idea. But with the increase in work projects and now getting ready to open our own retail shop, I’ve found myself dealing with anxiety like I’ve never experienced. I think for a lot of my adult life I’ve dealt with stress pretty well. I’m used to pressure, deadlines and a non-stop schedule. In fact, I’d probably tell you that I prefer it that way. But perhaps it was a culmination of being a full time mom with a pretty full time freelance career, my age, my sedentary lifestyle and a major (exciting yet risky) future career move for Sam and I….that it finally caught up with me. All in the form of extreme anxiety and a racing heart. My mind told me to relax and that everything was fine, but no matter what I tried, my body just didn’t want to cooperate. After a few doctors visits trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I ended up discovering an irregular heart rhythm. As if I needed another thing to worry about. During the waiting period leading up to my heart tests, I hit one of my lowest points. My mind wandered to the darkest places and some of my worst fears consumed my thoughts. On the morning before my tests I opened a book called Jesus Calling that I hadn’t read for months and flipped to the excerpt for that day. It’s crazy how God works sometimes….leading me to open that specific book on that specific day to that specific page. It was exactly what I needed to hear. This was the passage that helped re-set my focus:
“Grow strong in your weakness. Some of My children I’ve gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others, like you, have received the humble gift of fragility. Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith. On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me rather than on your understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness.”
Talk about straight to the heart. I got a call last week after all my tests were done that there was nothing that they found to be an immediate concern, but that I needed to come in for a follow up visit to go over everything and see if there is any additional tests they need to take. That appointment is still on the horizon….but I have felt a lot more like myself this week that I did the two weeks prior. Going through all of this was/is a bit of a wake up call for me. I want to live a life that’s full, healthy, and inspiring. I don’t want to let fear and worry rule over me. I want to be the best mom I can be, but I know that means first taking care of myself. I am no good to anyone if I am no good to myself. There are certain things that will happen in life that are out of my control….and in those times, I need to trust that God will take care of me. It’s frightening to know what stress is capable of. I’ve heard story after story about the way it’s affected other people, but it wasn’t until this month that I experienced the ugliness for myself. I am still dealing with it, and it might be something I will always struggle with at some capacity. The curse of being an entrepreneur + perfectionist. But it’s conscious decisions every day that are the most healing. Going for a run when it’s the last thing on earth I want to do. It’s asking for help when I feel like I have more on my plate than I can handle. It’s going to bed at a decent hour and not answering every email that comes my way. Sometimes….it’s saying no. I can only do what is in my power, and the rest I have to “let be”. So much easier said than done, huh? I am still learning….
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening. I didn’t actually intend to write all of this tonight….but here I am, 4 paragraphs later. All stemming from the thought of sending my baby girl to a day school.